My Testimony - Rooted In My True Identity
Identities are a tricky thing...
We are all born with them but we slowly get more over time. Some are accurate but many are wrong.
As I was growing up I would have described myself as unwanted, unloved, a failure, broken, used, and weak. Why? Because I let my circumstances define me rather than the Lord himself. I want to bring you along and see how the Lord took me as I was and made me new.
I grew up in what people would call a "broken" home. My parents were very young, teenagers, when they had me. I never knew them together since they broke up before I was born. So I grew up spending half of the week with my Mom and the other half with my Dad.
In these two households I had very different expectations. My Mom learned at a young age that she had to be strong and take care of herself since her parents didn't raise her. So she wanted me to be strong, independent, and self sufficient. But she expected me to excel in that at a very young age and I failed in every way. No matter how hard I tried, I could never be who she wanted me to be.
My Dad grew up in a very large close knit family. So most of the week and some weekends, while my Dad was working, I would spend a lot of time with my extended family. So in turn I was never able to spend quality time with my Dad, even now it feels like we are strangers.
A few years later and my Mom wanted full custody, so my Dad had to either fight for me or let go. He let me go. So when the time cameI I moved in full time with my Mom, I thought it would be better.
It wasn't and It was just as hard. I continued to all short of her expectations, which just solidified in mind that i was a failure. I genuinely believed that nothing I did would ever be good enough for her or for anyone. One day I was asked to move piles of wood down into the basement. I lost my grip and it went flying down the stairs, breaking through the door. Mom my seemed to take this as an act of rebellion and later suggested that since I hated it there so much, I should just live with my Dad. To me that felt insane because he didn't fight for me in court so why would he want me now? Thankfully she relented and I was able to continue stay with her
Around this time I started attending a local church and started going to youth group. After about a year we got a new youth pastor. He slowly broke up all of the clicks and started to make the youth group feel more like a home. The leaders started to slowly break down my walls and they began to invest more of their time in me. Over the next few years I began to see God and myself more clearly through their faithful teachings.
I began to see God work in my life. I would often get so caught up in my own problems and struggles and ask why God would put me through this. I blamed God for my parents short comings because I believed that he was the two most important people in my life had fallen short of what I wanted. I really had my own misconceptions of who God was. I thought that he didn’t know what I was going through and that I wasn’t good enough for him since my parents seemed to not even want me. I felt dirty, broken, weak, and unwanted.
But in reality Jesus left his Father and his throne in heaven to live a very uncomfortable life and die a very uncomfortable death. He was despised and constantly rejected by men. Jesus was rejected by God on the cross so that I could be brought near. He experienced death, temptation, and betrayal. So if there is anyone in the world who knew what I was going through it would be Jesus!
Towards the end of end of high school the gospel grew sweet.
The Gospel is called the ‘good news’ because it addresses the most serious problem that you and I have as human beings, and that problem: God is holy and He is just, and I’m not. And at the end of my life, I’m going to stand before a just and holy God, and I’ll be judged. And I’ll be judged either on the basis of my own righteousness – or lack of it – or the righteousness of another, Jesus. The good news of the Gospel is that Jesus lived a life of perfect righteousness, of perfect obedience to God, not for His own well-being but for His people. He has done for me what I couldn’t possibly do for myself. But not only has He lived that life of perfect obedience, He offered Himself as a perfect sacrifice to satisfy a just and righteous God.
A couple of verses that just blows me away are Ephesians 1:3-6 it says "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved."
The implications of this were and are still huge. God planned before the world even began to bring me into his family. God chose me. It’s almost hard for me to wrap my head around that fact. That just speaks volumes to me. I want my parents to want and pursue and because of that I constantly seek and yearn for my father’s attention and my mother’s approval and often come up short. But God has adopted me into his family and through that he has provided numerous fathers and mothers through the church body. I don’t need to seek and yearn any longer because it's God who is constantly satisfying that desire.
I have been made new, declared as a loved and wanted daughter of a King!
Would you join me as we dive into know this King more?